You Look Fine

  For 16 years I have tried to hide myself. I have been ashamed and embarrassed and thought I was less than a person. I am hideous, ugly, frumpy, flabby, disgusting... and the list goes on. I feel like I need to apologize to people around me for being fat. "I know I'm fat and I'm sorry you have to look at me"  I have asked the dreaded question, "How do I look?" 
  I wanted so desperately to hear, "You look nice, Babe." or "Good" or (gasp) "Beautiful". Instead, with barely a glance, "You look fine." 
  You look fine? It's like saying "People won't laugh and point to your face." "You look fine" is not a positive, it's not even neutral, it is most definitely a negative.
  I hate my picture taken. At my own baby shower I was fighting back tears while opening my gifts because someone was snapping away. I just wanted them to stop, I wanted to run out of the room and hide. Most women want picture of their beautiful pregnant bellies but I just wanted to disappear.I have very VERY few pictures of me with my kids or hubby. My great grand kids aren't going to know who I am. My kids won't have any pictures to show their kids, "This is my mom and me when I was young".
  Too many women feel this way. Too many hard working, intelligent, good heart-ed women feel like this because of their weight. Well, I think it's time for me to start thinking of myself as a person, someone worth loving. I have to get over myself and just live life. I can be better then this. I can be a beautiful person inside even though the package might not be.
  So what am I trying to say? Am I just whining? Normally the answer  would be yes but I really am not whining this time. I think I finally get it. There is always a standard of beauty that is set by "man" that only few people can even accomplish. If you are one of those people, that is great for you, honestly. My Lord, my husband, children, friends and family see my heart and that is what I want to be beautiful. Yeah, sure, I will go through stages where I'm crying on my bed because I can't wear the latest fashion but I don't want that to dictate who I am. My body is fat but I am not fat. I will continue to work out and I will eat what I think to be healthy but I won't starve myself and I can not spend hours a day exercising, that is not living my life to it's fullest potential. I also need to stop hiding. I can't run from the camera and I can dress in the clothes I want to wear.
  Another thing I've realized is most people are not thinking about me and don't really care what I look like.

 

This is a picture of Jakey and me. He loves me just as I am