I blame God, I blame Hubby and then I turn on myself. The arguments I have inside my head are like venom. I keep it bottled and it's like poison pulsating through my veins. The thoughts, the anger, the loathing. I hate being around people when I'm like this, I feel like it's radiating through my skin and contaminating the air around me.
So, what do I do about it?
Well, when I was younger, about 12 years ago, the thoughts weighed so heavily in my mind that I would just lie in bed for hours at a time. It physically hurt to move, even to raise an arm. My muscles would ache at the smallest movement. I went to the doctor and he gave me meds. I went back a couple months later and told him I felt worse, he gave me more medicine. I was on medication for 4 years, the last 2 I think I was on auto pilot because I don't remember much. The older kids ask me to tell them fond memories of their childhood and I can't remember those 2 years.
One day I woke up and realized I had not taken the medication for a few days. I was dizzy, sick and could think clearly for the first time in a really long time. Jacob leaned over to give me a kiss before leaving for work and I told him I didn't want to take it anymore. I slowly started recovering. I started thinking maybe the world didn't revolve around me. Maybe there was another life to live that didn't involve me having depression. Me not always thinking about... me.
Now what I do is I remind myself how bad it was and I'm not that person anymore. I am more secure and I know I can tell The Lord anything and everything, even that I'm angry with Him or disappointed. He's a big God, He can handle it. I remind myself that my basic needs are met and that everything else is "gravy". I think about all the blessings in my life. I'm usually back to my cheery self in no time, though I might not go skipping down the sidewalk any time soon.It also helps to laugh. As much as I want to lock myself away I force myself around people, happy people, people who will make me laugh.
Another thing, for me, is to stay away from anyone who will join me in my dark hell.
