Slow Down

Transitioning the last baby into the next phase of her life is harder than I thought it would be. Weaning. I have been holding off for as long as possible but I know it's time. It's not a complete cut off but the line has been drawn.
 Today was the first "no more milky after nap." There were tears, sobs, and temper tantrums. Maeli wasn't happy, either. I want to hold on and slow time. I blinked one day when my boys were playing with blocks and toy trucks and now they are 15 looking for jobs and wanting real trucks. Paris was happily twirling in her skirts and now she's wearing make-up. Jakey rattles off sports stats and is playing his first year in fantasy football. Life is going in fast forward. Where is my pause button.
Don't blink.

The Side I Try To Hide

   Sometimes my thoughts get dark and ugly and I think I will never feel joy again. Maybe it lingers from the depression I suffered years ago, I don't know. I have been gloomy for a couple days now.
   I blame God, I blame Hubby and then I turn on myself. The arguments I have inside my head are like venom. I keep it bottled and it's like poison pulsating through my veins. The thoughts, the anger, the loathing.  I hate being around people when I'm like this, I feel like it's radiating through my skin and contaminating the air around me.
   So, what do I do about it?
   Well, when I was younger, about 12 years ago, the thoughts weighed so heavily in my mind that I would just lie in bed for hours at a time. It physically hurt to move, even to raise an arm. My muscles would ache at the smallest movement. I went to the doctor and he gave me meds. I went back a couple months later and told him I felt worse, he gave me more medicine. I was on medication for 4 years, the last 2 I think I was on auto pilot because I don't remember much. The older kids ask me to tell them fond memories of their childhood and I can't remember those 2 years.
   One day I woke up and realized I had not taken the medication for a few days. I was dizzy, sick and could think clearly for the first time in a really long time. Jacob leaned over to give me a kiss before leaving for work and I told him I didn't want to take it anymore. I slowly started recovering. I started thinking maybe the world didn't revolve around me. Maybe there was another life to live that didn't involve me having depression. Me not always thinking about... me.
   Now what I do is I remind myself how bad it was and I'm not that person anymore. I am more secure and I  know I can tell The Lord anything and everything, even that I'm angry with Him or disappointed. He's a big God, He can handle it. I remind myself that my basic needs are met and that everything else is "gravy".  I think about all the blessings in my life. I'm usually back to my cheery self in no time, though I might not go skipping down the sidewalk any time soon.It also helps to laugh. As much as I want to lock myself away I force myself around people, happy people, people who will make me laugh.
   Another thing, for me, is to stay away from anyone who will join me in my dark hell.

Rock Those Mom Jeans!

I read someones blog about the hideous and dreadful "mom jean" and how to not fall into that trap. First of all, if the placement of the pockets on my jeans aren't where you think they should be, well, should you really be looking at my butt? Second, if my high waist paint offends you, don't look, you are not the one wearing them, I am and I'm OK with it. Third, do I have $60+ to spend on jeans that not only fit but are also "socially acceptable"? No, not really.
   I will rock those plus size, Lane Bryant, on super clearance, wide pocket, high waist jeans and I will not care if some fashion snob calls them "Mom Jeans".
   Ladies, just stop it. Stop looking down your noses at other women. If it really bothers you that much then treat a woman to a nice new pair of jeans or get over it.
   While I am on my soap box I would like to add eyebrow waxing to the mix. I have been with women who rolled their eyes and had gas looks on their faces when it came to women who didn't pluck or wax their eye brows. "Oh my gawd, did you see her eyebrows, that is so disgusting!" No, your attitude is disgusting, grow up.

Beer: It's Whats For Dinner

   Jakey is 8 years old and in his "picky food" stage. This morning he yells out "I want meatloaf" because he loved the meatloaf I made last night so much he had 2 helpings. I didn't make a normal meatloaf.
   Hubby makes fun of me because I'm always changing recipes, even if I've never made it before I will most likely change it. I will use what I have instead of shopping for more stuff if I think the recipe will be fine without it.
    The recipe for the meatloaf called for the normal ingredients; bread crumbs, milk, seasonings, egg... but instead of milk I added 1 cup of beer and Worcestershire. Instead of an egg (because I didn't have an egg) I added shredded cheddar cheese.It doesn't taste heavy with beer in fact, it had a good meaty flavor and was super moist. I don't drink beer, I hate it's taste but I do love it in recipes.

   I didn't take any pictures because I didn't think I would blogg about it until Jakey yelled for it this morning. Yay me! I'm so happy I found something he likes.

You Look Fine

  For 16 years I have tried to hide myself. I have been ashamed and embarrassed and thought I was less than a person. I am hideous, ugly, frumpy, flabby, disgusting... and the list goes on. I feel like I need to apologize to people around me for being fat. "I know I'm fat and I'm sorry you have to look at me"  I have asked the dreaded question, "How do I look?" 
  I wanted so desperately to hear, "You look nice, Babe." or "Good" or (gasp) "Beautiful". Instead, with barely a glance, "You look fine." 
  You look fine? It's like saying "People won't laugh and point to your face." "You look fine" is not a positive, it's not even neutral, it is most definitely a negative.
  I hate my picture taken. At my own baby shower I was fighting back tears while opening my gifts because someone was snapping away. I just wanted them to stop, I wanted to run out of the room and hide. Most women want picture of their beautiful pregnant bellies but I just wanted to disappear.I have very VERY few pictures of me with my kids or hubby. My great grand kids aren't going to know who I am. My kids won't have any pictures to show their kids, "This is my mom and me when I was young".
  Too many women feel this way. Too many hard working, intelligent, good heart-ed women feel like this because of their weight. Well, I think it's time for me to start thinking of myself as a person, someone worth loving. I have to get over myself and just live life. I can be better then this. I can be a beautiful person inside even though the package might not be.
  So what am I trying to say? Am I just whining? Normally the answer  would be yes but I really am not whining this time. I think I finally get it. There is always a standard of beauty that is set by "man" that only few people can even accomplish. If you are one of those people, that is great for you, honestly. My Lord, my husband, children, friends and family see my heart and that is what I want to be beautiful. Yeah, sure, I will go through stages where I'm crying on my bed because I can't wear the latest fashion but I don't want that to dictate who I am. My body is fat but I am not fat. I will continue to work out and I will eat what I think to be healthy but I won't starve myself and I can not spend hours a day exercising, that is not living my life to it's fullest potential. I also need to stop hiding. I can't run from the camera and I can dress in the clothes I want to wear.
  Another thing I've realized is most people are not thinking about me and don't really care what I look like.

 

This is a picture of Jakey and me. He loves me just as I am

Maeli

 

  Maeli Joy came into this world on a beautiful May day. I couldn't help but cry the happiest of tears when the nurse held her over me before taking her into another room to clean her off. I couldn't help myself, just like any other mom, I looked at her and loved her. She is baby number 5 and I love her just as much as I love all the rest. I cried just like I did every other time. I hugged, swaddled and snuggled just like I did with the others. I wanted to remember every moment, every sigh and whimper.
 Welcome to the world, Maeli, it is already a brighter place with you here.

The Fig

I have not been taking a lot of pictures lately. I need to start practicing for when the new baby arrives. When I was in the mountains in North Carolina last summer my auto focus stopped working and I stopped taking pictures. I guess I depend on the auto focus too much. After looking at some of the pics I took yesterday of the cat I came to the conclusion that I need to get my eyes checked and get the auto focus fixed.

God's Gifts To Me

 I have a list of "God's gift to me" that I started after reading  "One Thousand Gifts..." by Ann Voskamp. The list was made up of simple memories; how the air smelled one night, a kid smiling and laughing, going somewhere or doing something unexpected... I can't remember everything on the list but whenever I read through it, I always cry. They truly are gifts. 
  
    (My list is just a simple line, hundreds of simple, little lines. When I read those lines it will remind me of what was going on at the time, like: having an extra lollipop. When I read that line I am reminded of a time when someone gave my three older kids each a lollipop and the youngest was so sad that he didn't get one. I rummaged through my bag and found one lone lollipop sitting on the bottom. He was so happy. The look on his face was priceless and it was a beautiful gift for me, too.) 

 I went to grab my phone to add to my list this morning when I realized that this is a new phone. I got the new phone because my last phone died a horrible, tragic death and took with it my list. 

 That list was 2+ years of my life. Simple, everyday things that I recorded that I would never remember otherwise. When I start thinking about and getting overwhelmed with life, I would read over the list and things was fall back into place. When I start thinking "I will never get my dream house" I remember that what ever space I live in with my family is my dream house. Same thing with dream vehicle, all I need is something that works and fits us all. Sometimes I forget that.   

 Keeping a list like "God's gifts to me" is very important to me and I will start a new one. I will try to add some of the things I remember from the original one and life will go on. I think this time I will stick with pen and paper. 

Shopping Spree

 

  I am 15 weeks pregnant now and I am dieing to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. I really have no preference either, I just want to know! I am chomping at the bit to shop for Baby. 
  Today I decided to shop! I needed expert advice so I asked my 7 year old to help me pick out a stuffed toy. We picked out two because they were both so cute.
  The first one Jakey chose was this Shaggy Plush Bear (medium) from Restoration Hardware.





 




















  Then he really liked the Shaggy Plush Bunny (small). We sat there looking at them until I finally decided that Baby must have both!

  I am happy to report that I have felt great for the past couple days. Hopefully the morning sickness is behind me for good :o)

And Six Becomes Seven

Here is another sweet, fragrant mouth to kiss; here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery. Here is a soul to train for God, and the body in which it dwells is worth all it will cost, since it is the abode of a kingly tenant….Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to your mother’s heart, welcome to her time, her strength, her health, her tenderest cares, to her life-long prayers! Oh, how rich I am, how truly, how wonderfully blessed

-Elizabeth Prentiss

Bell Pepper Pizza

I was inspired by this recipe I found on Pinterest

http://www.kalynskitchen.com/2010/08/recipe-for-grilled-zucchini-pizza.html

Bell Peppers (red, yellow and orange)

Mozzarella Cheese, shredded

Pepperoni

  First I cut the bell peppers on either side of the stem leaving the middle section to use elsewhere. The pepper sides were kinda like shells. I placed the shells on a cookie sheet, lined with foil, skin side up and broiled them until they looked good to me (a little bubbling and a little black). I, then, flipped the shells over and filled them with mozzarella cheese and topped each one with a pepperoni. I popped the pan back into the oven, under the broiler and checked every minute or so until the cheese was melted and a little brown.
  These were a big hit with my family. I think next time I might add some fresh diced tomatoes and basil next time.

Summer Dress For Paris

   

I made this Boho Maxi Dress out of super soft super light jersey knit fabric I found on clearance a long time ago. The belt is just some brown fabric I folded so the raw edges were inside. The hem, sleeves and neckline are all raw edges. No hemming, yay!!! 

For the tutorial on how to make this dress click on the link below.

                       http://sweet-verbena.blogspot.com/2011/07/boho-maxi-dress-tutorial.html

Diastasis Recti Part 2

Today is my first time trying the The Tupler Technique. I have to say that I'm a little frustrated because I'm having a hard time keeping it in place. The splint keeps riding up. I'm kinda curvy so in order to have it close the gap I have to have it tight but my waist is much smaller then my hips so my hips (or my fat, LOL) are pushing it up. I'll keep trying to make it work and I'll update again.

diastasis recti

Diastasis recti is a separation between the left and right side of the rectus abdominis muscle, which covers the front surface of the belly area. It is also called abdominal separation.

This is not a picture of my belly, I'm not that brave. I found this pic on the internet but it is pretty much what mine looks like.

I've had 4 babies, 2 of them being twins weighing a total of 14.5 pounds. My last baby was 10 pounds. I have been stretched to the max!!!

I didn't know I had abdominal separation until a couple years ago. My friend saw me pushing on my belly wincing in pain and asked what was wrong. I didn't know what it was but I explained that when I bend over or sneeze my ab muscles pinch "something" then whatever was pinched would spasm. She said she thought she had read something about it once but couldn't remember the name. The next day I looked up "ab muscle separation" and found diastasis recti. I was frustrated when I found out that all those years of doing crunches to try and flatten my belly was making the gap worse. Drat!!

If you have this, or think you might, you can look up more info about it on the internet. I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on TV. I did self diagnose and I'm trying a treatment to see if I can close that gap.

Here are some links for you to check out.

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001602.htm

http://www.raisingarrows.net/diastasis-recti-from-a-moms-perspective/

This is what I bought to help. I should get it in a few days. I'm not dedicating my blog to this but I'll update to say if it's working or not.

http://www.diastasisrehab.com/diastore/product_info.php?cPath=1_7&products_id=36&osCsid=b5gupdp06oe79oimpgqca0t492

(I'm not being paid by this company to use their product or to review it, I only want to heal the "great divide")

How can you take a bad picture when you have someone as cute as Amelia as your subject? Well, here is Amelia and she is as cute as a button!! She is my best friend's little girl and she has a way about her that she comes into the room and everyone pays attention to her. I was taking pictures of the flowers and when she came out my camera took over and couldn't help but to turn it's attention to her.

Valentine's Party

   I didn't want to be the annoying person with the camera during the party, I hate my own picture to be taken so I took pics of the tables and put the camera away when people showed up. It was a nice night, a beautiful night.

Beth put out crackers, cheeses and grapes for an appetizer. We decorated with flowers, candles and lots of mason jars. The white milk glass dishes were my Grandmother's and they are so beautiful that we had to use them.

   Beth and I decided we wanted to use lots of candles and we have lots of mason jars. Who knew it would turn out so beautiful. We used Groupons at Field of Flowers for all the flowers. The mirror is from Ikea.

   Dinner was simple and served buffet style: meatballs cooked in a crock pot, salted potatoes and asparagus. Dessert was mini cheese cakes, eclairs and homemade chocolate hazelnut pudding. We wanted everything to be simple and easy so we could enjoy the party.

   On the way home today I stopped at the park for a little photo shoot. I haven't used my camera in a while so I feel like I'm getting used to it again.

Christmas 2011

 

The plan was to get to the beach BEFORE the sun rise. Plans change. We woke up a little late but it was still a beautiful morning.

Paris likes to collect things.

Yum, Christmas dinner!

Thanksgiving.

   It's Thanksgiving! WooHoo!! I love this time of year. I love reminding myself of all the good things in my life. I have done my fare share of whining but how can I whine on Thanksgiving when I can fill a notebook with things I am thankful for.
1. My family. I love them so very much. They are such great people and they make me laugh. I am so proud of them. My hubby is such a good man. He really takes care of us and works so hard and he loves me so very much. My kids. What can I say, I just think they are good stuff! <3
2. My best friend and her family. I love her so much and I got to spend most of the day with her, cooking and chatting. I love her family and she loves mine. That's pretty special to me :o)
3. A special little surprise, I got to see my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. It has been a long time and I always have a good time with them.
4. My hubby grilled a wonderful turkey. Oh, I am so thankful for grilled turkey.
5. The kids were so good today. Everyone got along and there was no fighting, even when the Dolphins lost.
6. Home made chocolate chip cookies. Apples with Nutella.
7. Realizing I'm OK, even though I gained back those 30lbs I lost. It's not the end of the world.
8. Making my little apartment my home.
9. Painting a scratched, hand-me-down dining table that I love so much.
10. The surface that I do my push-ups on every day is getting closer and closer to the floor. Pretty soon I will actually be doing them on the floor, again. I started with the wall then the bathroom counter now the lower bar on my foot board.
11. You. I'm thankful for those of you who take a minute to read my blog. It really means a lot to me. Thank you <3
   I could go on and on but I will leave it at 11.

11/11/11

   I woke up this morning with the sun streaming through the window, my true love with his arm around me and joy in my heart. Today is truly a beautiful day. It's a day to enjoy. I feel like a flower shining brightly in the sun.
   This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!!!